Found in Translation

I felt refreshed and clear of mind going into this first week back on campus. It could have been denial, or it could have been that I am reminded of my youth and the hopeful, nervous excitement that comes with a new school year. But, then I went to my first staff meeting yesterday (and another today) and was reminded of all the reasons why summer break is what keeps me in this profession...(even though I was told that if I ever felt that way I should stop teaching immediately...haha. yeah right like I'm giving up my summers now!?). I'm not going to go into it right now, but I am going to go to the gym later and try to work off some of my anger.

The other thing I'm going to do, is write the letter I wish I could send home to parents at the beginning of the school year. (The alternative is a venty, bitchy post about administrators and the terrible, terrible decisions being made that are veiled in "this is what's best for students" even though it's what's worst....ugh. I continue to be amazed by how little admin understands about students.) Anyway...

As I was revamping my course syllabi today, I was reminded of all my teacherly pet peeves that are soon to be ignited. I feel that if parents could learn how to interpret what their kids say about school at home, my pet peeves might be significantly, if not entirely, squashed.

So, this is to the all the parents out there:
When your child comes home and says the following, this is what he or she is really telling you...(note taking is encouraged here).

Scenario #1: The detention

Parent: I got a detention notice about you today. What's that about?
Student: I dunno. My teacher hates me.
Translation: I do know, I just don't want to admit to you that I was being an annoying attention monger today in class and refused to shut up when my teacher asked me to do so 80 times. I guess she got sick of asking me to behave properly and maturely and it probably has something to do with the fact that I've never been taught how to respect authority because look at how you let me talk to you, Bitch. That's right, I'm talking to you. Now go buy me a new video game.

Scenario #2: Truancy
Parent: I got a phone call from the attendance office at school today. They said you weren't in 6th period. Where were you?
Student: I was there. My teacher is dumb and prolly marked me absent.
Translation: We had a test today so I snuck off campus to get high and hangout at Burger King. And even though I promise you to ask my teacher about it tomorrow, I'm not going to because I just texted plans to get-it-on with Adrian from Bio class in the bathroom during 6th.

Scenario #3: Failing a Class
Parent: Why do you have an "F" in X Class?
Student: I dunno. My teacher hates me.
Translation: Mother, Father, it's a combination of issues here. But what it comes down to is I don't do my work because I don't do the reading at night because you're not checking up on me like you should. Furthermore, I don't ask for help from the teacher when I am confused because my classroom is overcrowded by about 20 kids and I don't want to look dumb in front of my peers, plus the new sweatshirt you bought me with the ipod adapter inside the hoodie strings makes it super easy for me to listen to music during class without the teacher noticing-- which only makes me more likely to not understand what is going on in class and in turn forget to write down the homework. Plus, how can I can get any work done when I have so many text messages to stay on top of?

Scenario #4: Mean Teacher
Parent: Why do you have a "U" in Citizenship in your X Class?
Student: Oh my gosh that teacher is soooooooo mean. He hates me.
Translation: I'm an obnoxious, disruptive, brat in that class and I hate him because he calls me out on my shit every day. I need to learn manners; please teach me how to speak to adults appropriately.


There are more scenarios, but I will save them for later because I have to get to the gym pronto. If you have a particular "teenage response" that you'd like translated for you, please submit it via email or the comment box below: I'd be more than happy to tell you what your teenager is really trying to say.