Maybe you saw that episode of Ellen in which a beautician came on and suggested rubbing warm coffee grounds on your buttocks to get rid of cellulite? If you missed it...well, I did too. You can read about it here. I, however, did not read the attached link until after applying the coffee grounds in the shower, sans olive oil and newspaper to protect the spillage. Genius me thought I came up with the saran wrap idea, too. But I didn't. I did, however, come up with the blow drier idea... read on....
So far, this has been the last 30 minutes of my life:
1. Remove coffee grounds from coffeemaker, place in a bowl. Spill half of them on the floor. Cuss more than the situation really calls for.
2. Put grounds in microwave for 30 seconds to "warm," step in spilled coffee grounds. Cuss. Wipe grounds up off the floor and foot. Cuss: dark spot on the linoleum. Cuss: we have linoleum.
3. Remove warm grounds from micro. Carry them, saran wrap and paper towels to the shower. Cuss: wearing good underwear.
4. Change into old underwear. Return to bathroom.
5. Get distracted by sonic care toothbrush that won't charge. Cuss: it's broken.
6. Sigh.
7. Return to shower.
8. Rub warm coffee grounds on upper thighs and buttocks. Watch as most of the grounds end up on the floor of the shower.
9. Saran wrap leg from knee to buttocks. Cuss: saran wrap is sticky. Cuss: how the f do you get saran wrap around your butt without going all the way around and thus denying yourself a bathroom break should you need one in the next hour?
10. Cuss more quietly: husband trying to write a sentimental letter. Feel selfish and vain.
11. Wash feet. Put on sweat pants.
12. Wipe up grounds in shower. Cuss: stained. Stained bad.
13. Turn on blow drier and shoot hot air into sweatpants. Thinking I'm pretty smart. Cuss. It's hot. Feel like an asshole.
14. Turn off blow drier.
15. Walk down the hall as grounds fall out bottom of sweatpants. Cuss.
16. Write this post.
17. Thank husband for telling a friend what I'm doing.
This process is not only supposed to help reduce cellulite, but it's also supposed take off "inches." The information I've read about this process instructs women to do this 2-3 times per week. Who has time for that? I guess I do right now...since I'm on summer break. But, I also value my sanity and am trying to stop swearing which clearly gets worse when I implement these methods.
I'm hoping that when I take this saran wrap off (in the back yard this time) that:
A. No neighbors can see into our yard
B. The coffee grounds won't make our grass look any worse than it already does
C. The water from the hose is magically warm
and,
D. Find that it was worth it.
I guess I'll keep you posted.
In the meantime, my newest blog is up. (If you hadn't noticed yet in the sidebar announcement.) Check it out:
I Run Because I Eat
8. Rub warm coffee grounds on upper thighs and buttocks. Watch as most of the grounds end up on the floor of the shower.
9. Saran wrap leg from knee to buttocks. Cuss: saran wrap is sticky. Cuss: how the f do you get saran wrap around your butt without going all the way around and thus denying yourself a bathroom break should you need one in the next hour?
10. Cuss more quietly: husband trying to write a sentimental letter. Feel selfish and vain.
11. Wash feet. Put on sweat pants.
12. Wipe up grounds in shower. Cuss: stained. Stained bad.
13. Turn on blow drier and shoot hot air into sweatpants. Thinking I'm pretty smart. Cuss. It's hot. Feel like an asshole.
14. Turn off blow drier.
15. Walk down the hall as grounds fall out bottom of sweatpants. Cuss.
16. Write this post.
17. Thank husband for telling a friend what I'm doing.
This process is not only supposed to help reduce cellulite, but it's also supposed take off "inches." The information I've read about this process instructs women to do this 2-3 times per week. Who has time for that? I guess I do right now...since I'm on summer break. But, I also value my sanity and am trying to stop swearing which clearly gets worse when I implement these methods.
I'm hoping that when I take this saran wrap off (in the back yard this time) that:
A. No neighbors can see into our yard
B. The coffee grounds won't make our grass look any worse than it already does
C. The water from the hose is magically warm
and,
D. Find that it was worth it.
I guess I'll keep you posted.
In the meantime, my newest blog is up. (If you hadn't noticed yet in the sidebar announcement.) Check it out:
I Run Because I Eat
So the big question: Is your behind now stained and are your farts coffee scented?! Very sorry vanity led you to take such an extreme measure, but I would probably do the same if I could stand the smell of coffee.
ReplyDeleteAnd congratulations on the new blog launch. (I am with you on Cojitas' beans too...we have one just up the street from me.)
Anne has made me think, if your behind is stained (in a good, tanned way), you could probably make millions by marketing a combined inch-loss-self-tan product.
ReplyDeleteThis escapade does sound like an exceptionally wacky idea, to be truthful.