Round One of "What They Said, What I Said, and What I Wish I'd Said.

I've had this idea in the back of my mind to write a parenting book from a teacher's perspective. I feel like I'd be a really good parent because of what I have seen in the high school classroom. Unfortunately, what I have seen in the high school classroom is the exact reason I don't want to have kids. Ever.

In this book full of wonderful, life transforming, too legit-to-quit advice, I would devote an entire chapter to teaching parents how to translate emails from their child's teacher. More often than not, a parent who is contacting a teacher via email is complaining about something they feel you have "done to" their child, or they are making ridiculous requests on behalf of their child. In the long run, this stunts the overall growth of the child's ability to fend for his/herself and inhibits them from learning how to communicate with authority. This is why, today, college professors are starting to get more emails than ever from parents speaking for their children who never learned how to communicate with teachers.

(Note: in order to ensure the protection of the parents who sent these emails, as well as to ensure the protection of their child(ren)*, I have changed all names and removed any identifying remarks that could, in any way, be traced back to the sender.)

*I know... but child(s) can't be right either...can it?
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Parent Email #1 sent today:

Ms. Asha

I am sorry to hear that Sammy is failing your class. Sammy currently is doing everything except turning in homework. He is failing more then your class by doing this.

I follow his daily planner but all he has to say is that's turned it in. I have no proof then what is posted on the teachers websites.

I suggest three things.

1. If you could initial his planner when he does turn in the required homework.
or
2. Email me when he does not turn in required homework.
Or
3. Anything you suggest.

I have taken away his Video Games, computer (has a computer that can only do Word), and his stereo (still has I pod). He can still watch TV, and ride his bike.

Thanks for you time.
Mr. Williams
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My actual response:

Hello Mr. Williams,

Sammy says that he leaves a lot of work at home. So, my suggestion is that each night (or every other night) ask him if he has his bag packed with all the work he will need at school. The other suggestion I can make is, instead of me emailing you every time he doesn't turn something in (because I'll never remember to do that), email me once or twice a week as a reminder to see if there is anything he's missing.
He's a good kid, he just needs to get his head in the game and out of the fantasy books (at least while he's at school-- I'm all for reading independently of course!)

Thank you,
Ms. Asha

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What I wish I could have said...

Mr Smith,

First of all, TMI
And, second of all, if Sammy were less concerned about coming into my classroom early and talking to me about the "fantasy novel" he is writing, and spent less time telling me repeatedly that he is reading at a 12.9 grade level and finishes at least three books a week, and if he spent less time sneaking his dragon/wizard/warcraft books out to read while we're analyzing classroom texts, he might actually use his class time wisely and do the work that he is "leaving at home."

Sammy is very sweet and friendly and I do feel badly for him because he will probably have a very awkward and possibly lonely life. But, gosh I hope I'm wrong.
P.S. Please tell him to stop loitering awkwardly around my podium because I'm running out of fake smiles and friendly ways to tell him to sit down and do his work.


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Parent Email #2 sent today: (This isn't a joke...this is a REAL email I got today!)

please let me know if my son is on task this year !! and inform me if he has been late, or skipped any classes, or has been running his mouth & being a pain in the ass. and since VP scott is now gone I will deal directly with VP schrute. please feel free to email me any time or call me

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What I said:

Mr. Smith-

John is a great kid and student who is a very respectful and hard worker. You should be proud of how he has moved from a remedial level English class to college prep-- and he's passing!

Ms. Asha
English Teacher
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What I wish I'd said:

Mr Smith-

I no longer wonder why the short stories your sons writes and begs me to read during my prep period revolve around "blood and guts," or why he talks incessantly about going into the military immediately after graduation...if I had a father like you, I'd want to commit suicide too.
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Hope that was informative and maybe slightly entertaining.